Live from Singapore...

It's the Academy Awards!






Here are the categories:



Best Picture: Toilet Break - The Mas Selamat Story



Best Actor: Mas Selamat- for being able to convince his captors to let him use the toilet without a guard.



Best Supporting Actor: Superintendent of Detention Center for sawing off the handle of the toilet window as a security measure and the contractor for not installing grills in a maximum security facility toilet.

Best Actress: Mas disguised as a woman (might not really have happened, but the pics are hilarious)



Best Supporting Actress:



Best Director: Whoever planned out the whole thing

Best Screenwriter: SPH - for trying to spin a story to make the government less incompetent.

Best Prop: Toilet without grill

Best Possible Scapegoat(s): Superintendent of Detention Center

Bits and Pieces II

I realise the layout and format is not the most reader friendly, but bear with me and do give me your feedback and suggestions on how to make things easier to read.

In the meantime, more quips, quotes and ......

~ US President George W. Bush in a press conference after discussions with the Treasury Secretary and the collapse of Bear Sterns

"Our capital markets are functioning effectively and efficiently¡K..US financial institutions are strong."

~ Hugh Hefner, the man behind the Playboy empire, on his life -

"From my point of view, I'm the luckiest guy on the planet."

~ From an article by Reuters on NY governor, David Paterson. He replaces Eliot Spitzer who stepped down after being found patronizing a prostitution ring -

Jealous after learning of his wife's infidelity several years ago, Paterson said he began affairs of his own while a state senator, and he revealed the matter now in part to avoid being blackmailed by anyone threatening to reveal the secret.

Editor's Note: I'm not sure how this guy and his family fits the picture perfect role models that every governing body strives to assume. This guy is horny, vengeful and his wife is adulterous. At least Spitzer was not vengeful and his wife was faithful.


~ Bank of Israel Governor, Stanley Fischer, on US Fed Chief Ben Bernanke in the midst of the subprime crisis, something which for the longest time Bernanke did not recognize until financial institutions started collapsing left and right -

"Ben Bernanke is an outstanding economist."

~ A local resident of Amsterdam on his city's plans to decriminalize open-air sex in its most popular park, Vondel Park -

".... completely unnecessary and unwanted. For God's sake, let them do that in a meadow outside of town."

Bits and Pieces

This is the first post for hopefully what will be a frequent enough stream of posts highlighting the funny side of events in the world as covered by the media.


~ From an article published in The Wall Street Journal on The Lapindo Brantas disaster in Indonesia

Thirteen people are believed to have died when a collapsed mud dike caused Pertamina's East Java gas trunk line to rupture and explode November 22. A four-lane highway has been washed away and a rail line buried. Local shamans have reportedly been sacrificing goats and chickens in the near-boiling mud to appease the gods, to no avail.

Hot, fetid mud is flowing into the sea and has swamped fishing villages. But [Aburizal] Bakrie says this is not causing the death of sea life. "There is nothing (in the mud) that can cause the shrimps to die," he said.


~ Yosef Ardi, a well-known newspaper editor in Indonesia, on Indonesian businessman, Sukanto Tanoto’s donation to journalism school at Nanyang Technological University in Singapore

“Quite strange, learning journalism in a country without press freedom? Why not in Indonesia?”


~ Cambodian Prime Minister, Hun Sen, on his relations with his lesbian daughter

“My adopted daughter now has a wife. I’m quite disappointed.”


~ From an Australian Publication, The Age –

Merrill Lynch found recently that 33 per cent of Singapore’s 55,000 millionaires were Indonesians controlling $US87 billion in assets on the island, fuelling a colossal property boom.

Editor's Note: 55,000 millionaires?!?!?! Why am I not one of them?!?!


~ Richard Armitage, ex-Deputy Secretary of State, on the wars in Afghanistan and Iraq –

“I think your suggestion is, Can we do two things at once? Well, we’re of the view that we can walk and chew gum at the same time.”

Editor's Note: Armitage announced his resignation on November 16 2004


~ Keith Johnsgard, a professor emeritus of psychology at San Jose University, commenting on the motivations of race-car drivers and other risk-takers, the same kind that he believes drives Eliot Spitzer, the democrat NY governor who was identified as a client of a prostitution ring –

“These folks aren’t pathological. They’re really bright and probably less neurotic than most people. They’re not crazy, they’re not stupid, you just don’t want to be married to one.”


~ Marvin Zuckerman, another professor emeritus of psychology at the University of Delaware –

“The happiest marriages tend to be between people with great tolerances for boredom because these people aren’t looking for new partners.”

4th Case: Singtel, M1 and Starhub

Another PR event spiralling out of the whole Mas Selamat incident involves the 3 Telcos in Singapore. A while back they promised to send an MMS to all subscribers in an effort to help aid the capture of Mas. In the papers today, they claim that they've finally reached all subscribers. But many beg to differ. Myself included.

This is a summary of the facts:

They said that they would send out to all subscribers. Like all great boasts, it didn't work out.

What they did wrongly:

They made claims that they couldn't back up. There's a saying in the west, "your mouth shouldn't write checks your ass can't cash." Pardon my french. Now obviously it's impossible to send out. Whether it's a system thing, or the fact that they didn't even send it out. Who knows. Even their engineer said in the papers today that it was not possible to reach all. So why make the boast? PR disaster.

How to fix the situation:

Customers don't like to feel slighted. Best way to smooth this over? Free SMS for 1 month. All will be forgiven.

Tell Me Where in The World is Mas Selamat?

Songs are good and catchy. They stick in people's minds. So we at S&M intend to use song to catch Mas. This song is done in the tune of "Where in the world is Carmen San Diego"
Watch video to get tune



Where in the world is Mas Selamat?

Well he’s known around the world as a leading JI member,
He’s been locked away so long, no one seems to remember,
He might be on a boat on the way to Indonesia,
Tell me where in the world is Mas Selamat?

He’s a master of disguise, he can look like a woman,
And my friend Cheryl says that he looks good as a woman,
They’ve searched high and low but they can’t seem to find him,
Tell me where in the world is Mas Selamat?

He’ll go from Whitley to Dunearn, Lavender to Chai Chee,
Woodlands to Geylang, Serangoon and back!

Well he runs with a limp, but he seems to walk just fine,
He went to the toilet, that’s the last that anyones seen him
Is he still in the toilet, did they check the next stall.
Tell me where in the world is Mas Selamat?
Oh tell me where in the world is... Oh tell me where can he be?

He might be in China or India or Thailand.
He could be in Burma, Malaysia or Not!

Well He’s a man on the run with no water, clothes or money
He’s evaded every trick in our world class system,
Mr Wong please tell me, how did he do it.
Tell me where in the world is Mas Selamat?

Find Mas Selamat

The thing on everyone lips now is where's Mas. So over here at S&M, we've come up with a game to help everyday people to contribute to find Mas.

Where's Mas?

3rd Case: Jonathan Choy

Here at S&M, we don't just have big celebrity clients. We also care for the little guy. And today we showcase Jonathan Choy. After a certain blogging "incident" he was suspended/sacked from relief teaching. However, since he feels that he has a passion for teaching, we would like to clean up his image and reputation so that he can be a full time teacher in the future.

This is a summary of the facts:

He was doing relief teaching to a bunch of pri 3 students. While marking their composition, he found a few less than stellar ones and decided to post them on his blog to let his readers read it. He also said that "even scolding them has been fun".

What he did wrongly:

1) He put too much information about himself on the blog. Too traceable. He even had pictures. Too much disclosure is not a good thing. Only reveal what is necessary.

2) He didn't explain himself after all this occured. According to our sources, all he did was take down his blog and put 1 word sorry in it's place. http://www.better-thn-life.blogspot.com/

He also supposedly took down his friendster profile. If TV has taught us anything, people believe that people who go into hiding are obviously guilty.

How to fix the matter:

1) Come out and explain everything. For example the line that he said "even scolding them has been fun". Should say something along the lines of, "I understand that sometimes the kids get out of hand and have to be scolded." Have a press conference if possible. Or failing which, have an apology recorded and placed on Youtube. C.f. Edison Chen

2) Conclude by saying it was an "Honest Mistake". It's the buzz word these days. Like "-polis" and "hub". People will lap it up if you say it's an Honest Mistake.

To conclude, here's our re-enactment of how the press conference should be done.

P.s People like cake.

Second Case for "Smoke & Mirrors"

As a consequence of the recent "Toilet Break", Minister WKS's reputation has been taking a pounding with the public asking for his resignation. We at "Smoke & Mirrors" or "S&M" for short, have decided to take up his case to improve his public profile.

This is a summary of the facts: He is the Minister for Home Affairs. He said ""This should never have happened. I am sorry that it has." in Parliament.

What he did wrongly:

1) Don't apologise. Apologising is admitting guilt. He did nothing wrong. He wasn't the person who let the guy go to the toilet unattended. Also when you apologise, don't smile. Look sad and remorseful. If possible, cry c.f. Paris Hilton sentenced to prison.

2) Not reading the report clearly before making a statement. Whoever wrote his press release obviously ought to be shot. Is the guy or isn't the guy a threat? In times of crisis, use small words.

How to fix the matter:

1) Having a lot of soldiers standing around in close proximity to one another. This creates the impression of a lot of people protecting the area and increases the sense of security. People like to watch made up shows which are extravagant. C.f National Day Parade, NKF and other misc fundraisers.

2) If given an opportunity again in parliament, don't tell a joke. Cry, shed a tear. Crying wins the heart of people. Especially the older generation.

3) Be seen joining the search parties for said terrorist. It's the equivalent of kissing babies during an election year.

4) Sidenote: Learn to sing. Seriously.. It's not that hard. Do, Re, Mi... etc etc..

First Post

Decided to start up this blog in the light of the recent "Toilet Break" incident. Part of what "Smoke & Mirrors" does is to put the facts in a better light. Now for this incident, it really makes all parties look really really incompetent.

This is a summary of the facts : A man with a limp escaped when he went to the toilet in a maximum security prison. The news was only made known to the public after 4 hours.

Why does it make the people look incompetent:

1) He had a limp. He wasn't some fit strapping young buck who can like jump over high walls.

2) He went to the toilet presumeably on his own. Don't they watch any movies anymore? You never let the captive go unattended. If this was someone else like say Mr Chee, security would have been on him like white on rice. In the toilet? Bah, they probably hold him and unzip his pants when he goes to the gents.

3) News was only made known 4 hours later. Honestly, even with the picture being made known to the public now, how many people would recognise him? Well, some which is better than none. But by not letting people know, no one would bat an eyelid if they saw him on the road during the 4 hours where the authorities were clamping down on the area he escaped from. During the 4 hours, like one of my colleagues here at "Smoke & Mirrors" was saying, he can walk to the Causeway.

Putting a positive spin on things:

1) He did not have a limp. The terrorist leader was faking his limp as part of a clever ploy to fool his captors into a false sense of security. It was a cunning plan. Why, I know of stories of NSF (full time national servicemen) who have faked a limp for their 2 and a half years of service. If some unmotivated NSF can do it, I'm sure a motivated go-getter like Mas Selamat can as well.

2) They let him go unattended because they had information that there was a new JI cell forming in Singapore. So they let the fish go so as to catch the big fish. This, like the toilet escape plan, is a good ole favourite of B-grade movies. They planted some sort of tracking device inside his head. So even now, our swat teams are trying to find all the terrorists cells located in Singapore. Then arrest them all in one fell swoop. Pay raises all round. Why the need for the intense security then? To keep up the act of course.

3) Now the 4 hours lag is trickier. But still possible to spin. 4 hours is protocol. There was a need to comb the entire compound. Also to not have a false alarm and put the public into a state of panic. There's also a chain of command. And also 4 hours was obviously to let the suspect escape. No point implanting a tracking device into him if he's going to get caught. It was to allow him time to escape.

Now to wait for the endgame.